workin....

So after 20 months going to school in arizona, to become a mechanic, I have discovered a few dozen or so things....

1. i love lists! they keep me organized and focused!
2. staying busy is a lot better then boredom.
3. if its important, there is always time.
4. while new skills are usable, go to school for what you love!
5. sometimes, DONT LISTEN to family friends and Advisors!
6. the devil is in the details.
7 the iron is my friend
8 the camera needs to be my friend
9 time is a valuable tool.
10 your time has extensive value, you cant replace it once its gone
11 is always 4+7
12 an unused toolbox may call your name as much as an unused sewing maching
13 do what you love ,love what you do!
14. if it seams like a good idea, make it. or just make it run.

my artfire studio.... finally.

Visit MesaMade's ArtFire Shop

I finally actually am making an attempt to use my artfire store. check it out :)
www.artfire.com/users/mesamade

regrouping ... with a purpose.

so... its finally getting close to time to leave...I really havent been very inspired to create anything in arizona... Ive been here since april of 2011, so a little more than a year and a half.  With that being said, I have discovered a lot of things. Mainly about myself, but also about society as a whole.  I am stubborn. this has been a blessing and a curse .... on the plus side I didnt quit school even though I have sincerely hated parts of it, and on the bad side, it is indeed a problematic thing for relationships of any kind.  I also now know why I don't like arizona. Its too much like southern california.... you know... where you live close to so many people yet you dont know any of them. I miss the feel of belonging to a community. I am thankful that I got to experience that both in kentucky and in new mexico. 

School is by no means "finished" .. I plan on continuing school in new mexico if I can.. and either finish my engineering design classes or take up some additional stuff leaning in the direction of design/fabricating.  I realize the 19 months spent at Motorcycle Mechanics Institute, was more like a introduction to something .... kinda feels like I didnt learn enough. inspiration comes in wierd forms. I NEED more information/skills ... Im hoping that all of that end of things will work out.

I realise i need a "real" job in new mexico, so I have applied for a few tech spots, as well as a few cafes and americorps. I know that those all seem very far apart from each other ... but it might just work for me. 

I really want to sew and still make amazing things, but I seem to be more successful at it when there are no expectations... so for now im not calling it employment. .. we shall see.
 
In the past 19 months I have really discovered some things about me... heres a few of the honest easy ones i discovered:
I really like clean houses. I dont like disorganization. I still love legos. I am stubborn. I refuse to quit. ...sometimes when I should.  I enjoy good books good coffee and good company at home. I no longer love starbucks. I dont like parties. I dont like it when people question my morals. I hate being put on the spot. and I really dont like people who simply pretend to like you because it "makes it easier".  I try to be as real as possible without hurting others. I kinda like being alone. and most of all I have discovered that I will always love being poor(ish) and independent, rather than having too much money and reliant on someone else. 

Since May I have been packing slowly and decided I really didnt need so much stuff that i just dont use. I found an amazing friend, who loves scrapbooking but really couldnt afford all these gadgets and stamps and such ... it made it really easy to just say oh  I have a box or two for you... I know that kind of stuff I cant afford to replace, but why keep it if Im never gonna use it! Im actually happy to no longer have to store it move it and store it again. sometimes simple is better.

I have dwindeled my personal possesions down to a pile of boxes (ready to move again!) ... I do mean SMALL.. its funny actually ... I still have all the things I thought were important... just less random things that i really didnt need.  and sure someday I may say oh I wish I had a orange stamppad and a stamp that can make stripes.... but Im doubting it will be anytime soon :) 

Im excited to be finished with school. and a little scared to be moving back to new mexico to make a new start with my kiddo and my best friend. Its so simple to explain but so hard at the same time.  I have no idea what will happen... but i guess I will let ya know when I know.

 

refound blogging....

haha. I just refound my old blog... seemingly I should have found it sooner... since i still remembered the password...

at anyrate i have been meaning to start blogging again... I suppose that here is a good place to start anyways.

its been 2 years. ... obviously I quit blogging when I had to rebuild my life.  My boys are no longer  both mine... Dusty lives with his grandma, and seems to be happy and full of sunshine and joy :) hes 8 now, we miss him alot.  Jasper has become very tall... well not really but he is taller than me.. lol. hes 13 now. the joys of video games, unschooling and teenagers.  

Weve migrated a few places... we went from olympia, to whidbey island to kentucky to new mexico and now we are in arizona.... heading to the islands in a few months :) Its been a crazy 2 years.... 

I havent been sewing much,,, just started again actually... and i know it will pay off. I can only sew when im inspired or it just doesnt seem to turn out to good... that being said ive made some adorable stuff this week.

Ive been spending my time goin to college trying to learn to wrench and make shit go... motobikes mainly.

and i cant even say i love it anymore... skool hasnt been fun... its been a headache.  and im just not so sure it was worth the year spent. however I have one more marketable skill... now i can fix shit.

getting back on the subject....

I sew because it makes me smile.... I sew because I like seeing a finished product.  Its nice to know  my hands create, and make things that make other people smile. ...   now i shall sew again. like old times. i cant sew when im sad or angry.... which is why i stopped.  but now life is good and I must begin again... and make this angry sad blog of my past just disappear and turn into something amazing.

stitches... and seams...

january 8th.... what a start to a new year....

It seems that every time i "think" that things are going good.... they just don't. Go figure. I cant seem to do anything write.... not even spell. LOL. I have been trying to get out of this rainy wintry funk... and it almost worked. Then I ask whats wrong, and just like always the answer is the same... nothing. and stupid me goes on with my day and acts like just that... nothings wrong. but its all wrong... over and over. wrong answer i guess as well. wrong music, wrong friends, wrong day. I made it through the holidays, and I guess somehow that must have been wrong too. I just don't see why it always end up this way. it seems that this should all just be another regular type of day.... but instead i get half truths for answers and have no real idea what is going on.... I have no clue whats wrong. I actually thought that "nothing" was the right answer.

I feel a bit in the dark... how can i change to fix whatever is bugging you if you wont tell me whats wrong... is it even me? or is it something else? all i know is that you are mad... and wont really say whats going on.... are you ever gonna be willing to? unfortunately lately i think that we both know the answer to that one....

i know we don't always communicate that well, but i try. most of the time i try maybe not always. I try to take into consideration your thoughts and feelings MOST of the time. I really sometimes I just do some flaky sh*t that might bother you... but generally i think of how stuff affects all of us. Today I asked if something that was pretty normal was okay with you, you said you didn't care either way and i believed you... now i wonder if that is why you are irritated and mad... or was it something else.... this would be much easier if you would just tell me ..... i could assume you are mad because i allowed my sons dad to vent on me on the phone and you had to stand by and listen to me try to make him see my side. I know it was easier before but i have no idea how to fix or change that.... I DIDN'T KNOW .... had i thought it would be the way it was i would have never bothered.

It bothers me when you say I'm pouting.... how am i pouting? I'm upset because you made me feel bad.... am i supposed to pretend it didn't hurt my feelings? some days it feels like I'm in some f***ing parade and i am just supposed to smile and wave... like its all OK. I am tired of thinking that its all gonna be alright... especially if it isn't gonna be....

I'm sorry i told you that i miss New Mexico. and the valley. I miss being able to just let the kids play outside. without the rain (glad you love IT here too though). I miss having some space away from everyone else... (the band upstairs is gonna make me crazy soon)..... I miss having a yard to be in and being able to let the dog out without wondering where the heck she is.... I miss the potential of what we could do (if we were inspired), here there really isn't much that we could do, even if we were suddenly inspired. not likely this week i know....Really i miss Zoe and Thea, and Lilly... and that's really about it. I miss the feeling of community....i miss having the people at the store know my name... I just hate feeling like a stranger here. I'm sorry I'm not very inspired to meet our neighbors, they seem weird. I'm sure they think we are as well.

you pretend to be happy and so do I. we have been doing this for a long long time. sometimes i wonder if the great moments are even real... or if we believe they are because of all the other moments. I know we have had some great moments... but lately they just seem to get lost in the mix.... and are far and few between. This really sucks. I cant fix it anymore. and i don't know what to do....

i wish you could hear me. maybe it would matter that i feel like this. maybe it doesn't. I just wish you cared enough or were even interested enough to see what it is that I blog about. I know you don't really like blogs as a generalized thing... and maybe I'm just a curious soul... if you blogged i would secretly wonder what you blogged about..... Some days it just seems like all my dreams and thoughts and hopes are unimportant... and i wonder what yours are.... are they hiding? or did you give up on them already? am i in your way? whats the deal? I know there's so much more ..... and sometime in the last couple years all of it just got passed up and forgotten about? or avoided?

I don't even have any real words left to say to you.

Christmas... and the upcoming year.

Amazingly I have to say that we had a great day..... the boys were happy about what they got, loved everything, didnt gripe about what they "really" wanted (and didnt get).... overall it was a great day. Though it seemed a bit lonely. Even though we live so close to my family now, its odd to celebrate any holidays without seeing Kindels mom. I miss her, as well as our New Mexico friends and family..... maybe we will get to go visit in febuary/march. I am amazed at how the last 4 months have just flown right past us.... it doesnt seem like we have been here that long already......

I am gonna try to clean up my art/sewing area tomorrow... I started a bunch of projects and lost momentum and need to bust them out and get them finished.... For christmas I got a YUDU silkscreener... I have to say its gonna be a love/hate relationship.... I think its easier to use than i expected but I am definitely not too consistent yet.... maybe it will grow on me with time. I made a bunch of stuff though (expect pictures soon!), but need to finish them all. Now I'm thinking i need a cricut machine and a gypsy....lol. see they make them all work together so it becomes a "need" instead of a want....lol. A gypsy really would be great.... and jasper and dusty could make designs too.... but then i would need a cricut to use the designs...lol. maybe i can find one of each on amazon.

I am hoping that the next year will be inspiring to kindel and I both. The boys are both in public school now (which I am still not sure we love, but the kids seem to enjoy it mostly). Dusty constantly ask me why he cant stay home and have me teach him, and I just remind him its only 2 and 1\2 hours. some days i ask myself the same thing.... and then i think about how much i get done at home when the kids arent here....lol.

In new mexico, I was constantly wanting to go home and now that i am here i recall all the reasons I left, and what all I didnt miss. My friends have either A) changed so much I have nothing in common with them, OR B) not changed at all and I can't stand them, Or C) have grown up a bit and are still in the same book as I am. I guess change is good...

second chances

I sit here and laugh as I write this one out for you....

Last year around thanksgiving I met these "hippie kids" Jordan & Rick and their dog Vagrant while we were in town, and since it was cold and nasty out we decided to invite them home for the day for showers and a meal... they ended up staying for about a week! They cooked me awesome food, pitched in where they could, built a dog house and helped move the entire front porch when the pipes froze and suddenly had to get fixed. It was a crazy week to say the least. Anyhow, after being helpful and having a good break they headed south to Texas to help out with hurricane house repairs.

In the last few months, there have been quite a few new faces in our town. Knowing that the national rainbow gathering is just outside of Taos this year, I'm certain that is the reason behind all the new faces... unless its just for the sunshine. At any rate, this has all led me to think about Jordan, Rick, and Vagrant (the dog who tried to eat my neighbors chihuahua). As many of my friends know from experience, there are some people that you just don't ever meet again and your paths don't re-cross. I seem to have decent luck however, and often run into people that I knew years ago, and lost touch with.

So being my usual snide obnoxious sarcastic self.... I am driving down the road talking with Kindel in the very dirty jeep as usual... and I say "there's some dirty ass white trash hippies for ya"... and as we pass I hear them yell out Kindel's name. It didn't really surprise me, yet when I realised who it actually was I indeed was surprised. I always thought that Jordan the happy dread-locked kid would return to New Mexico because he loved it... Rick on the other hand seemed more like a destination type of guy... like he just wanted to get to where he was heading.

We pull over to wait and see who is gonna walk up to the jeep.. low and behold it is Rick (the helpful one). His story is interesting, yet so casual and seems like could happen to anyone. He got divorced, lost his company that he started, felt like his world fell apart, his wife kept his kids (he had a record and couldn't get full custody), he hit the road to go out west to start over. He shares with us how Jordan called home to find out that one of his ex's has a little girl she claims is his... just like that his life changes over night.... a haircut and a bus ticket and him and Vagrant have a family and a home. A second chance.

Rick ditches the kids he was walking with and ask us how we are, we go out to coffee... he is honest, yet clear that things arent perfect. He isn't afraid to trust us, and knows that we wont judge him for anything. We visit
and see that to him we are still the same, through all of our ups and downs he sees it for what it is. Plain and clear that we all know where we stand, there is no room to take advantage of anyone. No question about the rules, and a great lack of expectations on any ones part. Its comfy, like an old friend.

I wonder about Rick. I wonder if he has tried to call his ex wife, his kids. I wonder if he is looking for a second chance too. I wonder if he will find work in Taos and settle here like he wants, or if he will just keep traveling on the road until its too late to change? Then again I wonder if there truly is a second chance for everyone...

Is a second chance granted regardless, or is it something you have to make for yourself? I suddenly think of my own life, and the crazy track I was heading down... and wonder where I would be had I never looked for a different direction to go. I wonder if I would just be some girl wandering until I re-found my old friends? I wonder why ..... why did I get a second chance? luck? destiny? prayer? faith? I don't know what it was, but I'm glad that I jumped at the chance... I spent too many years wasted in anger and hatred. Sure it all made me who I am... but those years could have been better used. There are no regrets here, simply thankfulness and hope.... Hope that my lost friends get that chance too, before they pass that point of no return.