It seems that every time i "think" that things are going good.... they just don't. Go figure. I cant seem to do anything write.... not even spell. LOL. I have been trying to get out of this rainy wintry funk... and it almost worked. Then I ask whats wrong, and just like always the answer is the same... nothing. and stupid me goes on with my day and acts like just that... nothings wrong. but its all wrong... over and over. wrong answer i guess as well. wrong music, wrong friends, wrong day. I made it through the holidays, and I guess somehow that must have been wrong too. I just don't see why it always end up this way. it seems that this should all just be another regular type of day.... but instead i get half truths for answers and have no real idea what is going on.... I have no clue whats wrong. I actually thought that "nothing" was the right answer.
I feel a bit in the dark... how can i change to fix whatever is bugging you if you wont tell me whats wrong... is it even me? or is it something else? all i know is that you are mad... and wont really say whats going on.... are you ever gonna be willing to? unfortunately lately i think that we both know the answer to that one....
i know we don't always communicate that well, but i try. most of the time i try maybe not always. I try to take into consideration your thoughts and feelings MOST of the time. I really sometimes I just do some flaky sh*t that might bother you... but generally i think of how stuff affects all of us. Today I asked if something that was pretty normal was okay with you, you said you didn't care either way and i believed you... now i wonder if that is why you are irritated and mad... or was it something else.... this would be much easier if you would just tell me ..... i could assume you are mad because i allowed my sons dad to vent on me on the phone and you had to stand by and listen to me try to make him see my side. I know it was easier before but i have no idea how to fix or change that.... I DIDN'T KNOW .... had i thought it would be the way it was i would have never bothered.
It bothers me when you say I'm pouting.... how am i pouting? I'm upset because you made me feel bad.... am i supposed to pretend it didn't hurt my feelings? some days it feels like I'm in some f***ing parade and i am just supposed to smile and wave... like its all OK. I am tired of thinking that its all gonna be alright... especially if it isn't gonna be....
I'm sorry i told you that i miss New Mexico. and the valley. I miss being able to just let the kids play outside. without the rain (glad you love IT here too though). I miss having some space away from everyone else... (the band upstairs is gonna make me crazy soon)..... I miss having a yard to be in and being able to let the dog out without wondering where the heck she is.... I miss the potential of what we could do (if we were inspired), here there really isn't much that we could do, even if we were suddenly inspired. not likely this week i know....Really i miss Zoe and Thea, and Lilly... and that's really about it. I miss the feeling of community....i miss having the people at the store know my name... I just hate feeling like a stranger here. I'm sorry I'm not very inspired to meet our neighbors, they seem weird. I'm sure they think we are as well.
you pretend to be happy and so do I. we have been doing this for a long long time. sometimes i wonder if the great moments are even real... or if we believe they are because of all the other moments. I know we have had some great moments... but lately they just seem to get lost in the mix.... and are far and few between. This really sucks. I cant fix it anymore. and i don't know what to do....
i wish you could hear me. maybe it would matter that i feel like this. maybe it doesn't. I just wish you cared enough or were even interested enough to see what it is that I blog about. I know you don't really like blogs as a generalized thing... and maybe I'm just a curious soul... if you blogged i would secretly wonder what you blogged about..... Some days it just seems like all my dreams and thoughts and hopes are unimportant... and i wonder what yours are.... are they hiding? or did you give up on them already? am i in your way? whats the deal? I know there's so much more ..... and sometime in the last couple years all of it just got passed up and forgotten about? or avoided?
I don't even have any real words left to say to you.
